To Be Someone’s First Choice…

“Her needs were simple and few—all she ever wanted was to be someone’s first choice.” She breathes love as the wind moves the clouds above field’s rich in their emerald lushness. She feels it radiate in her heart and shine out through her eyes so full of hope, because she loves with the force of a thousand armies yet with the softness of momma’s arms. She doesn’t just love—she is love.
Yet it seems that no matter how sweet her kisses are, or how pure her heart, she is just never the first choice. It’s not that she always questions her worth, but it just seems that no one else can read the language of her heart, no matter how many times she bares it.

She’s thought that once or twice it may happen—that someone would stand up and say that he chooses her above all others—but then reality would creep in like the black smoke churning from a midwinter’s fire, and she’d be left alone and shaken to her core once again.
Sometimes she was partially chosen, in pieces and bits for those parts of herself that they loved to taste. But regardless of how sweet her smile, or how hot her bare skin burned, no one’s ever stayed and said they wanted more. Perhaps if she’s honest, she’ll admit that sometimes she’s wondered if she was unlovable—that maybe it was her lot in life to remain without someone to hold her close during the dark nights that sometimes seemed too long.

She wanted to be someone’s first choice so much that she hung onto the men who promised someday, and just not right now, because it was the draw of a potential high that kept her addicted—the lure of having something she’s never had before. Yet when days dragged into weeks, and weeks became buried by months, she knew that (once again) she wasn’t the first choice. Maybe she wasn’t even the second or third, but really all along it was a secret so seductive it couldn’t ever be whispered aloud.

If it had just been about sex all of the time, then it might have been easier for her to barricade her door to these men once and for all—but it never was. She knew that she touched a special place in each of these men, but perhaps it was too electrifying or too deep, because regardless of how they cared for her or what an amazing woman they thought she was—she just wasn’t the type to be their first choice.

A friend who’s known me for almost 2 decades handpicked this piece above from an article and shared it with me with a msg that read “This reminded me of you’….
Yes, it had my name written all over it. It’s like the author wrote down the story of my life. When I read this, it reminded me of my conversation with friends, of home n hearth, about how all we want is simple happiness in someone’s arms and to live the simple life, but even the mundane seems like a dream. See love isn’t a thing anymore coz its all about faking good times! We have short attention span with humans, not just gadgets. Use and throw…there’s no dearth of options. Pick what you want, leave bereft and move on.

Which makes me wonder; Do men and women want different things? Or are there people, irrespective of gender, who are alike and who want similar things? And to think that the whole cosmic circus is about meeting people who want similar things and then fitting together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle? I have to admit (at the risk of being labeled “Anti-feminist”), men have always been polygamous, but the ‘liberal’ woman of today offers them ease of temporal fun without an iota of responsibility or guilt and THAT makes women like me undesirable and clingy! Cos women like me want a relationship that lasts.

The modern woman in her mission to overthrow years of submissive patriarchy is hell bent on behaving like the very man she despises. In trying to make them pay for what they do to us, we are doing the same. But eventually, the modern woman’s DNA takes over n deep down she also wants all the traditional jazz but hates to admit.

Don’t get me wrong; but having fun is something that women don’t know too well. Men use you and abuse you emotionally in the process. Not all want just booty calls, they even give attention & love but only at their convenience…

And my experience with flings is that they demand love when they want and ghost out if you demand in return. Ofcrs I can now call them flings but back then I was foolhardy to believe that it was the start of something indelible.

Anyway, I’m a sour heart so who am I to say? It’ll take me a lifetime cleansing to clean my negative emotions about how emotionally abusive my relationships have been, toxic as hell. Those eyes that once spoke even through pictures, are now silent. No lens has been able to capture those eyes lately, cos all that the lens finds is the eyes wilting under the weight of disappointments, broken promises and the endless wait.

I’m a pile of dead bodies of all the emotion and warmth I once exuberated!

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Questions That Plague Me

How do you explain or even justify this? How do you stop yourself from being hurt over and over again? How do you stop committing emotional suicide by the same method? How exactly can you stop your heart from sinking every now and then? Those are questions I ask myself these days.

So you hardly trust anyone and when you do, it’s again out of proportions. You tell them everything from a thing as little as getting a scratch to spilling your biggest secrets. You make them an exception to everything…every rule that defines you and governs your life. You involve them into everything with this idea that they think of you the same, even when the truth is that they keep you at the periphery of their lives. They put you outside of the circumference of their life and when you finally realize this, it’s too late for you to poise yourself…too late to cut them out from your life coz you’ve developed a fatal emotional, sentimental bond with them; you’ve fallen in love with them.

What do you do next? How do you explain your restlessness? How do you shut your mind and try to sleep? How do you accept the fact that you’ve become nothing more than a placeholder for men to occupy their time with, until they find who it is they are really looking for? How do you make up for the emotional blunder that you made?  All you are left with is a passionate regret and a sea of words, broken trust and a mound of tissues!

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Back to writing after long, I’ve had readers (not necessarily followers) of my blog tell me that they love the way I express myself so openly. I guess the reason I named my blog “Unexpressed Feelings” is because I myself don’t express those feeling to people that often. So today I’m back to expressing myself out loud, again.

Have you ever wondered where in life did you go wrong? I’ve been wondering lately. I’ve been thinking where in life did I go wrong to have to go through so much pain, heartbreak, broken trust, backstabbing by women friends, feeling walked upon, left alone, career dreams coming to a sudden halt, responsibilities weighing me down everyday…just to name a few things.

In my last post I mentioned I was tired of being strong. Well that was when I was going through a personal relationship battle. But the last 6.5 weeks have been a different hell all together. When an elderly in the family falls ill (serious illness) it’s another battle all together. For me it became more difficult cos my dad suffered a massive brain stroke on the morning of his 85th birthday! And 3 days before that my uncle (dad’s younger brother) was diagnosed with a rare kind of blood cancer!

Now being the youngest of the 4 daughters and single I stay with my parents, so naturally the first responsibility is mine. I’ve wanted to move out and live separately many a times, but the failing health of the elders always made me feel guilty and hence I never moved out. I’m 38 btw. And I may sound like a bad daughter right now, but frankly speaking I still crave for that private space of mine that I don’t have to share. And the more I crave for that space, the more I realize my dream of moving out of the house is dead now. It’s impossible. With dad being bed ridden (he’s lost his speech completely, almost 40% of his memory and is mostly disoriented) and Mom not exactly in the strongest of mind frame…leaving them to fend for themselves while I enjoy my “personal space” will be terrible. I’m not sure I’d have the heart to do it…

I’ve suddenly grown up 5 more years in these 6.5 weeks. While my dad who spent 39 days in a hospital with 20 days out of that in an ICU, I, at some point started preparing myself mentally. Preparing for losing my father. Sounds crazy? Well, his condition is such that even though the doctors discharged him from the hospital, they didn’t have much hope or an idea of how long will he be able to carry on. On two counts we were told to “be prepared”…we were losing him.

Add to that, dad’s given up. Most days he refuses to eat, take medication or listen to the physiotherapist. The frustration of not being able to speak at all must be huge too. I see it in his eyes…eyes that he keeps shut most day (even while we try to talk to him) and when he opens them there’s just a lot of confusion & despair. He’s always trying to make sense of where he is, who’s he around. The frustration is such that when his best friend, his childhood friends come visit him, he ends up shedding tears. Now in my 38 years of existence I’ve NEVER seen my dad cry, not even upset…angry, yes! So it breaks my heart when I see him struggling to speak and he gives up after a few tries and then weeps 😦

Long story short, whatever could go wrong, has gone wrong in the last 6.5 weeks and as usual I’ve dealt with most of this stress alone. God bless the sis who did step in and shared the work but btwn the two us, we both went crazy (still are at it)! Not long ago I was dealing with the pain of the man I love having walked out on us, for 4 months! We did get back together, only to part ways again last week. Yes, last week! In btwn the madness of dealing with life-death situations, when I needed someone to hold my hand, the most, I find myself dealing with heartbreak again! Only, the last time I still had hope…this time there’s none.

I’ll share about poet and me in the next post, but all these things happening around me one after the other make me ask myself that one question again and again; Where in life did I go wrong?

I’m Exhausted From Being Strong

From a very young age I became someone who didn’t want to let anyone down. I’ve been there as a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, colleague etc. even if it has been at the cost of wearing myself out. Honestly, I did wonder if someday someone would be there for me in all the ways I have been there for them.

But today I’m exhausted from being strong, from acting like I have it all together. I’m exhausted from being everything to everyone. And fuck you for thinking I’m a bloody robot who will keep going on and on no matter how much life beats me down. If that’s anyone’s definition of a strong woman, then all I have to say is: You failed all the education you ever acquired. Seriously.

We all break down sometimes and it’s OK! There comes a point in everyone’s life when one incident, that for someone else may not be a big deal, will shatter you into pieces and how?! Sadly, those are also the times when you’ll be judged by the very people who you’d hoped for some support or expected them to be there for you.

It’s no shame to be want to put your head on someone else’s shoulder to cry on, when you’ve spent majority of your growing up years as being that shoulder for others. Don’t we all need someone who’s just a little bit stronger than we are? Someone who can kiss it where it hurts and hug us like nothing else matters, someone who can remind us that we don’t really need to be that strong—like all the time? I don’t know about you all, but I do. And that could be a very odd quality to look for in a partner but that’s what I look for: someone who can be strong for me when I’m breaking down.

I’m not ashamed to admit I have a dark, creeping fear of being alone. Yes, I do. And that fear increased 10 folds in the last 3 months due to the way certain events unfolded in my life. Lemme tell you, nothing cuts as deep as the idea of a future where you’re all alone in this cold cold world. Eating alone. Sleeping alone. Driving yourself to doctor’s appointments alone. Coming back to a house that’s empty. At times you end up desperately surrounding yourself with people, but it never quite does the job…does it? Being lonely is never good, but you need to learn how to be alone, cos sometimes there’s no other choice.

Yes I know experts talk about “there’s a difference between alone and lonely, and that one should enjoy their own company” bla bla bla. And yes, I know the difference between alone & lonely but what all the “experts” don’t understand is that there’s a fine line dividing the two. And before you know it, being alone turns into being lonely. I know it cos I experienced it first hand. I was perfectly OK being alone, didn’t need another person to validate my existence or as they say, “complete me”. I’m also the kind of person who enjoys solitude. I never felt lonely till I went through one of the worst phases of my life, alone!

Yes, last 3 months I battled depression alone. Most of you who read the blog know I was under severe depression these last few months (I’m still on anti depressants though I’m in a much better place than before.) and trust me when I say this, it isn’t easy being depressed and handling it alone. It’s not like I didn’t have friends to talk to, but the dark thoughts that constantly plague you were not something I wanted to share with them. It just made me more conscious and more closed. Ofcrs there were some who stood by me but my heart ached for one particular person, my love, who actually left me when I needed him the most. Worst, he didn’t understand the seriousness of depression and waved it like I was making a big deal out of it.

Am I mad at him for this? Yes. Will I hold a grudge against him forever? NO. Did I forgive him? My heart will, soon. But will I forget the fear of loneliness X 10 folds? Nooo…. it’s imprinted on my soul. And yet, 3 months later I was pulling myself up, telling the broken sad part of me; Maggie you got to get up and “be strong”, for yourself, cos you learnt a lesson that when you’ll fall there won’t be anyone to hold you, also for family cos they depend on you”. That doesn’t mean I’m pretending to be happy when I’m not. I see that smile coming back slowly and yes some of it is because of my love. But what also comes back more often are the doubts, the fear, the dark thoughts. I know it’s going to be a while before I get back to being the woman I was before all this…

But, it seems that I’ve just grown exhausted from pretending that I am THIS strong. Hey, that doesn’t mean that I am weak, but sometimes, it’s those of us that are the strongest, that end up needing someone the most. So next time when you catch ‘that strong friend’ going through a tough time, don’t assume they will get out of it cos they’re strong…. just walk up to them and tell them; “I’m there for you”

PS: I wrote this piece today cos it’s one of those nights where the gloomy thoughts threatened to overcome the happy ones. Please don’t judge.

Conversations…

It’s strange how the universe keeps teaching us the same thing again and again untill we learn. When you run behind something, you never get it. Stop chasing it and boom…it lands right in front of you!

If you’ve been a regular reader of my blog you’d know my struggle of the last three months where despite the odds I didn’t give up on hope. Hope that my relationship that was barely 9 months old then (it’s been an year now) and falling apart already, could be fixed. After 70 days of trying to reach my man I finally gave up. And 10 days later (today) he called.

We spoke, avoiding the elephant in the room. Somewhere between exchanging news about life and work, I mentioned I finally found a job (even though it’s temp) and he commented : “maybe I was the bad luck for you” ; suggesting that now he was out of my life good things were beginning to happen. It broke my heart to listen to those words 😔

I was silent. While words failed me, my heart ached to tell him he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I wanted to tell him that he’s still in my life even if I’m not part of his… I wanted to tell him I’m standing exactly where he left me. But I remained silent.

Silent cos I finally went numb dealing with the pain all by myself. Got tired waiting for him to share the pain, make it go away…I finally learned to lick my wounds and locked my heart away. I finally accepted I’m made to love but not loved back. Silent cos I was scared I might blurt out “B, I still love you”

We didn’t understand each other’s words and actions but I do hope our individual silence make love with each and not war.

Conversations; they make or break a relationship.

Silence Has A Sound, The Sound Of Disappearance.

70 days & I finally stopped counting. The last 6 days I went into hiding, from everyone, even myself. Why? Cos after two months of living in denial, I finally accepted the truth; the man I (still) love and thought was my soul mate had walked out on me…without explanations, without an adieu.

For more than two months I counted each day when he’d find the time to meet and talk it over. He didn’t find time. I now realize, he didn’t want to. It’s one thing to break off with someone, it’s another thing to tell them you love them, want to mend things yet disappear on them.

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. *sigh* I feel betrayed.

To anyone and everyone out there reading this…remember; please don’t make promises when you’re happy. For you it may be something you just said in the spur of the moment but someone else might start building hopes on that one promise. And when you break your promise you not only break their heart but their hopes too.

I never wanted a Mills & Boons romance; I just wanted someone who I could call home. I never said it to him but in him I found my HOME. So you’ll understand, now that he’s gone, I feel lost and homeless. What hurts me is that he didn’t even realize the seriousness of me being in depression. Being on anti depressants for more than 45 days isn’t a joke. Or did he think it was “just a phase”? He kept saying, “stop wining” like it was a sport I was enjoying. I’m sorry my love, but you do not get to destroy me and decide how ruined I am allowed to feel.

I don’t know what to do with these shattered pieces of myself. I still love him. He couldn’t find a home inside me but sadness did. In these last two months sleep eludes me; just like love. Just like him. But when I do sleep, I still dream of him, I still hug the pillow and rest my head on it thinking it to be his broad strong shoulders.

I’ll admit, I was never perfect and neither was he but you know what was perfect between us? My hand fit perfectly into his…sadly he never noticed. Our imperfections matched, he didn’t notice that either. When either one of us was low, the other one tried pulling the partner back up, be it health, work or personal life. He didn’t notice that either.

Everyday I fight the urge to call him or text him, telling myself that if he wanted to talk to me, he would reach out. And the fact that he hasn’t bothered despite having time on his hands…tells me what I need to know; I was nothing more than “an affair”. His silence hurt me more than his words.

If you’ve read my earlier post (When you’re in love with a poet), you’ll know that he was easy to fall in love with but then one minute he was outgoing and open and then the next he’s been standoffish, anxious, and flaky. I hoped that he would willingly let me get to know all sides of him (not just the fun-loving side, but the dark and insecure side too), but for him that was interference.

Today as I struggle with depression, I wonder, what’s the punishment for someone who continuously refuses to be true to someone who’s honestly cared about him?

In the end, my love, you were no different from the ones who walked away….

 

Please Don’t Repeat The Past

It’s been 64 days and I’m beginning to think I’ve made a joke of myself. Because I’ve been trying to work on our relationship and he’s been telling me he wants to mend things too but its been 64 days and we haven’t even managed to sit down face to face and talk through where things went wrong. Forget meeting, even text msgs are scattered…once a week? That too only in response to something I’ve asked. He’s stopped reaching out on his own. It must be me; nothing else explains why he otherwise can be seen chatting with people online till 1:00 AM but a simple msg that I’ve sent remains unanswered for 24 hrs.

But, in these 64 days he has: worked on few very intense product launches, been on fun team lunches and picture posing with the team (I’m sure keeping the team cheered up is important), an anniversary, “family” picnics, attended poetry event, played Holi (Indian festival) with fun and gusto with friends, traveled to the hills for work and spent endless time on social media liking pictures of office chicks/ random people and complimenting them. BUT not once have we sat down to talk. His life is moving like nothing happened while mine came to a stand still.

He once said he gives importance to all these people/things/habits because they have been part of his regular life before I came in. Which makes me wonder, if you have a kid and a second kid comes into your life, will you tell the second kid “I have no time for you cos all others (office groups, friends, relatives, hobbies, kid no. 1) were in my life before you came in”? No you won’t. As we keep growing we keep meeting new people! And depending on their importance in our lives we make space and time for them. It’s NOT a first come first serve event!

He won’t understand what’s it like to sit on the cold bathroom floor and forget to get up for hours…feeling nothing, staring in space. He won’t know what’s it like to stand under the shower and let your tears flow cos you don’t have the strength to go on but you’re forced to. He won’t know what its like to pick up the phone every time it beeps and think the msg is from him and then be disappointed. I know, cos I’ve been treated like this before by another man! And I’m scared to the depths of my soul thinking; is the past repeating itself?

And as I sit here and type these words that are blurred by the tears falling onto the screen, I wonder…I placed our relationship above my ethics and morals; you couldn’t even manage to put it above random fun evenings with others?

When You’re In Love With A Poet

He’s a poet. His words cast a spell. He weaves beautiful stories too…aahh my storyteller. You’ll fall in love with his writing (and him as well) when you get a taste of it. Who would know it better than me? 😊 ❤️

It was the night of 26th April 2017…I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and the little bell sign showed ‘1 new notification’. My poet had posted a few lines. Lines that struck a cord with me once again (I’d been reading his musings since 4.5 years) but I don’t know what came over me that night, I did something that I’d never done before. I sent him a msg: “Your poetry…it makes me wish you were single”

Background: I’ve know my poet for 4.5 years and even though we got introduced to each other over a very short 10 min meeting (he made us wait for 15 mins before that at the reception area of his work place), we somehow always ended up having conversations about poetry, books and life in general. I liked talking to him, a lot. I could never figure out why. I never told him this, but every time we spoke over the phone…I would have this ear-to-ear grin on my face! Again, I have no idea why?!

I don’t remember who sent a friend request on Facebook first…but I’m glad we connected. That’s where I discovered there was a poet hidden inside the business guy. And boy was he good! Each time my poet shared a piece of his writing…he pulled at my heartstrings. Like any other admirer I’d ‘like’ the post and at times comment too. But that night, the night of April 26th …it was a spell I’m sure.
The next morning he replied and the rest as they say, is history!

Today: It’s been 11 months now. And all I can say is till date when he posts his musings; I fall in love with him a little more. (That does not suggest that I love him just for his writings. Frankly speaking if someone asks me “why do you love him?” I’d have no answer. Cos I love him for no reason.)

The PROBLEM is, when you’re in love with a poet you often make the mistake of trying to find yourself in his writings. Lately that’s what I’ve been doing too. Big mistake because it leads to disappointments. I don’t find myself in his poetry. I don’t find “us” in his poetry…. I hope someday I will.

I’m not sure why I search for a glimpse of “us” in his words…maybe because the last two months have been so terrible and I need a little reassurance that he’s thinking of “us” too, just like I am. We’ve had our ups and downs and to be honest way too many downs quite early in the relationship but that’s OK. Cos I believe relationships are just like plants. They need care and lots of effort in the beginning to help them grow.

But the real challenge in life is not just getting what you want, but continuing to want what you have. So I hope we continue to love each other the way we did in the beginning of the relationship. I hope we continue to want to be with each other…yearn for each other’s love & companionship (no matter what the circumstances).

Till then; 59 days & counting….

To Grow Through It You First Go Through It

One of the worst things we can do is convince someone that they’re worthy of our love and then take it away. Even the strongest of hearts can’t take this sort of betrayal. Yes, it is a betrayal. It pushes you in a dark place where your own thoughts scare you. I’m in that dark place right now.

I found him worthy of his imperfections
I found him worthy of his confusion
I found him worthy of his good days & bad
I found him worthy of love
But
He didn’t even find me worthy of his time…

I don’t easily get close to people…leave alone fall in love. But once I’m attached, I’m loyal, I’m committed without official labels, I’m dependable and I’m caring. But we all are made up of good and bad…so you know what  I’m jealous, I can be clingy or annoying, I’m over protective, and I’m darn emotional!

You could keep pushing me away and I’d still come back, like the ocean that keeps coming back to the shoreline. (That’s what I’ve been doing since the past few months). You could piss me off, but I’ll never stay mad at you for long. My lips might utter the words “I hate you” but my heart would continue loving you. You could lie to me and even though I’ll question you, deep inside I’ll still trust you. My mind would tell me I’m falling for a lie; my heart would find reasons to justify it. You see I’ve always been the one who listens to her heart not the mind.

But, being an emotional person sucks. It sucks cos when someone pulls the blanket of love that you were cocooned in, heartlessly away from you and leaves you alone…you feel like you’ve been stranded in the middle of a snow storm, naked! At first it feels terrible, you try to fight it but as time passes you start getting numb and after a point you lose the will to fight for yourself. I guess I reached there today.

It sucks because you feel “he moved on, just like that?” You keep telling yourself that we all have our own ways of dealing with things. It doesn’t mean he’s not affected by it but your head is still messed up. Maybe that’s his way… socializing, spending time with friends/family, killing time on social media.

But how do you convince your heart, which aches for him everyday, that it’s OK if he left you without explanations. How do you convince it that even after he said he doesn’t wanna give up on you…the minute you held onto those words he backtracked AGAIN.

I wish I could make this pain go away. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy; it’s awful! I read somewhere, if love can fade so can pain. So why is it that your love for me faded so soon but the pain you’ve left me in refuses to even lessen? If anything else, with each passing day it grows!

56 days of silence…and counting

I Was Alone; Now I’m Lonely

I don’t care if it sounds corny but to love and be loved back and not having to second-guess where you stand in someone’s life is such a warm and safe feeling. A feeling that I thought I would finally be able to experience myself in my current relationship after spending 10 years in a previous relationship where the only thing I felt was insecure and inadequate.

But things don’t usually happen the way I want them to. Feelings that are common for a girl to experience are merely fairy tales for me and the problem is fairy tales don’t come true. It’s the other stories, the ones that are dark and stormy, and the nightmares that always seem to turn into reality.

So you warned me that your career and other commitments might take up most of your time such that you won’t be able to give me the attention & time I deserve. In-spite of that, I’ve had faith that as long as we both stand together as one, no difficulties are too great to overcome. But today my faith is falling short and isn’t being able to sail us through the difficult time we’ve gotten stuck in..cos we’re NOT standing together!

You said I scared you with my demands? Ever thought how your actions might have been scaring me? Bringing back demons from the past? Demons that I thought were now never returning cos I’d finally found a man who actually loves me?

Ever realized how you keep wavering over what you want? You go back and forth not only about what you want in the relationship but also on all the promises and plans. Without opening up at all, you want me to figure out what you want out of the relationship and what kind of life you want to live. And if I’ve failed to guess what you’re feeling then I’ve been labeled “I’m not understanding”!

That’s an unfair label!! For two people to understand each other they need to communicate! Now when was the last time we did that?? “Good morning, How’s everyone at home” msgs are NOT communication!! It’s been 51 days since I’m trying to get you to sit down and TALK!!! 51 DAYS! I’ve practically given up everything else till I sort out matters btwn us cos that’s what is most important to me right now. I was so deep into depression that I almost ended my life! And all this time, all I’ve wanted to do is: sit down and TALK about what went wrong and fix it (and we both know it wasn’t just from my end)!

I’m tired…I’m tired of running behind you and every time when you give me another reason why you-want-to-but-can’t meet, my hope dies a little. My love, if it’s important for you then you make time for it, I know you. Poetry jam sessions, friends, you make time for what’s important for you. So is this relationship not important enough?

Don’t answer me my love…ask yourself.

Till then, I’ll keep trying cos the truth is I love you, I care and I always will. I’m not the type of girl to let people walk out of my life and pretend they don’t matter anymore. I told you, once you’re in my heart, you’re there forever.

51 days & counting…..